a larder full of all the good things

Back in the 80s, the now defunct Smash Hits - in between Five Star lyrics and double-page spreads of Morten Harket - had an annual poll, one of the categories of which was 'Most Very Horrible Thing'. I can only remember two winners: 'spiders' and 'Thatcher'.

Also back in the 80s, as a ten-year-old, I was perpetually hungry, mainly for the reason that the number of foods I would eat could be counted on the fingers of one hand, and probably on the fingers of one of Jeremy Beadle's hands. This hunger led me to eat, as secretly as possible, things which I was evidently Not Supposed To Eat: dog biscuits, jelly cubes, icing sugar, cardboard and jam, burnt wood, the flowers of fuchsia bushes and so on. As a culmination, I once ate some veterinary pills, of some antiquity, flavoured with a chocolate substitute and probably meant for dogs with gout.

On one occasion this hunger led me to a suspiciously food-like substance in the form of a small conical pile of white powder sitting on the kitchen draining-board. My experience of white powder until that moment had been confined to a) sherbet, b) icing sugar, and c) more icing sugar. Therefore, not unreasonably, I decided it must be one of these. So, I dipped my finger in it and tasted it.

In fact, it was Vim. Since then, I have been very wary of undefined substances on draining boards.

Now, at lunch on Friday I had an unfortunate Vim flashback. Having forgotten to bring my nice healthy lunch with me, I had to buy my own - which is where the ten-year-old in me took over and bought me a packet of the preposterously-named Smarties 'Big Flavas'. These are apparently normal Smarties, though a bit larger, but with 'fruit' flavour shells.

Vile.

If Smash Hits was still running, and if it still had its poll, then top of my Most Very Horrible Thing list would be Smarties 'Big Flavas'. It's only through bitter experience that I know they taste exactly like veterinary chocolate dog pills mixed with Vim. Stay away.